The Malformation of My Soul…

God, give me the strength to say what I need to say… I am not asking for forgiveness, for I know that You have so mercifully granted it, but for understanding, for guidance. I do not doubt You, but these words that are building up in my chest and thoughts bursting at the seams of my battered brain, so many troubling and terrifying, that I feel as if all the breath has been sucked out of me… need to be given a voice, even though the face remains elusive. Allow me this meek form of expression. I begin to feel the vertigo… I try and remain still as the loss of control sets in, I try to breathe and I fervently begin to pray. I feel starved… a malnutrition that somehow sprouts from the dry seeds of loneliness, lack of emotional contact as well as physical and from a black hole of emptiness… of the many forgotten. I do not pretend to be what I most certainly am not, not anymore in any case. I know this is my life now and there are days where I try to make the most of who I now am. I try to bask in the glory of this second chance. A gift, for all it is worth. I laugh, I smile and I put aside my pain and suffering for surely there is much worse out there in this vast world. Yet, it seems that the days in between, the days of darkness, seem to hover constantly, incessantly over everything. I cannot flee, I cannot hide… I feel smothered and trapped. My thoughts run ahead of me, I feel as if I will never catch up because the rest of my broken body is sinking. The more I fight, the deeper I sink. I ache from the force of this never ending struggle. My soul battles against my inner demons. Only in You, I find solace. I fear the end of what I do know and I fear the beginning of what I do not. What about the infamous straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back? What form does it take on in this world? I find myself too often wondering about its proposed impending doom… There are so many facets to one’s life and I feel as though I have barely chipped at the unyielding stone that is my canvas. It is malformed, this I know. It is, I am, not what once was. My tears have been shed, so much so that my sight blurs and these words are nothing but smudges and streaks. Yet, You need to hear them, just as I know that You hear my prayers. Feel the weight of them as I do, on my shoulders, in my heart. I know there are answers that lie somewhere out there, in Your outstretched arms. Help them find their way to me…