My Return to the Fashion World...

My journey back into the world of fashion has been a rocky one. Five years ago, I was catapulted from the life I knew into a much different one. Let's just say that I survived re-entry, but not unscathed. It's been a time of rebirth & regeneration, self-discovery & reflection... I had originally titled this blog The Gift of a Second Chance and while there is no other truer statement, I feel that the time has come for a change. They say do what you love... Well, guess what? I love fashion! It makes me happy and giddy and excited... It's that simple. That being said, I'm going to bring fashion savy to the masses and share my story along the way. My story of struggle and loss and how a little thing called "fashion" gave me a new found purpose in life. Like the title states, "Not Your Average Style Blog" I'm going to let you in on all sorts of little secrets... Interested? Well, stay tuned. It's going to be interesting and fun and always fashionable! Till next time, stay stylish! Xo! "Let the beauty of what you love be what you do". ~Rumi

Love Heals the Soul...

I am weak... You love me anyway... I am broken... You love me anyway... For your love makes me strong and heals my soul... Your love fills me with light & hope & peace... I am Blessed...

The Malformation of My Soul…

God, give me the strength to say what I need to say… I am not asking for forgiveness, for I know that You have so mercifully granted it, but for understanding, for guidance. I do not doubt You, but these words that are building up in my chest and thoughts bursting at the seams of my battered brain, so many troubling and terrifying, that I feel as if all the breath has been sucked out of me… need to be given a voice, even though the face remains elusive. Allow me this meek form of expression. I begin to feel the vertigo… I try and remain still as the loss of control sets in, I try to breathe and I fervently begin to pray. I feel starved… a malnutrition that somehow sprouts from the dry seeds of loneliness, lack of emotional contact as well as physical and from a black hole of emptiness… of the many forgotten. I do not pretend to be what I most certainly am not, not anymore in any case. I know this is my life now and there are days where I try to make the most of who I now am. I try to bask in the glory of this second chance. A gift, for all it is worth. I laugh, I smile and I put aside my pain and suffering for surely there is much worse out there in this vast world. Yet, it seems that the days in between, the days of darkness, seem to hover constantly, incessantly over everything. I cannot flee, I cannot hide… I feel smothered and trapped. My thoughts run ahead of me, I feel as if I will never catch up because the rest of my broken body is sinking. The more I fight, the deeper I sink. I ache from the force of this never ending struggle. My soul battles against my inner demons. Only in You, I find solace. I fear the end of what I do know and I fear the beginning of what I do not. What about the infamous straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back? What form does it take on in this world? I find myself too often wondering about its proposed impending doom… There are so many facets to one’s life and I feel as though I have barely chipped at the unyielding stone that is my canvas. It is malformed, this I know. It is, I am, not what once was. My tears have been shed, so much so that my sight blurs and these words are nothing but smudges and streaks. Yet, You need to hear them, just as I know that You hear my prayers. Feel the weight of them as I do, on my shoulders, in my heart. I know there are answers that lie somewhere out there, in Your outstretched arms. Help them find their way to me…

Things that are, that weren't....

I glance shades of silver flowing through my hair; moonlight on water....

Yet, I will let them be and see how they change the dark night....

My hands feel no comforting warmth, no cooling breeze....

Yet, at least one of them can reach for a healing touch; a hand to hold....

My pain is constant; the need for relief attainable, but undesirable....

Yet, pain keeps me aware; I can still feel, if only where there is feeling....

I long for a respite from my heartache, burdens that weigh heavy on my mind....

Yet, I am thankful for the miraculous function of my heart and mind....

I feel trapped & lonely, my soul is weary with sorrow....

Yet, strength comes and I am surrounded by unconditional love....

My feet can't dance the night away or chase the waves....

Yet, music is a symphony that ebbs and flows through me and lifts my spirits....

I have battle scars and wounds from a fight that has yet to be won....

Yet, I am a warrior; born again from blood and tears....

And I will win....

"Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men." - Lamentations 3:32-33

busy bee....

well, i guess this will be my last post for 2009, yikes! the year has flown by, not to mention the past six months (hence, the busy bee title).... i've barely been on my laptop and am so exhausted by the end of the day, that i don't even want to check my e-mail (but i have to pace myself because people have been wondering where in cyberspace i have disappeared to)....

since my last entry, i have officially re-entered the driving world (i only drive during the day and haven't drove outside of homestead or on any expressway, but still, woo-hoo for me!) & though it may seem like small potatoes, i've been doing laundry & dishes again (praise God for the ability to perform such menial tasks)....

i've been driving myself to therapy, the grocery store, the bank, the pharmacy.... even the gas station! i feel so liberated (though all the new developments are accomplished with alot of "tweeking" to meet the needs of my physical handicaps)....

the hospital where i go for therapy is less than five minutes away (f.y.i.: my grandma, God bless her, is my chaperone on most of my outings)....

as long as the store i'm going to has electrical shopping carts, i'm good to go.... i just walk (very carefully, it's still a very wobbly world) on in with my walker (after hunting for a handicap parking space because apparently those placards are just handed out like nothing, humph!) and find a cart, put my walker in the basket or behind the seat (sometimes the registers hold it until i'm done shopping) and i buzz along my merry way....

it's a good thing we drive on the left side of vehicles in this country, otherwise i would have a tough time with things because i can only use my left hand.... needless to say, i have to get pretty creative when trying to figure out how i' m going to do certain things.... i might have to go down an aisle twice if something i need is on the right, but it's the way it is.... i can be pretty stubborn so i won't ask for help unless there is no possible way i can figure out how to do it myself (i actually attribute most of my progress to my stubbornness, go figure, not to mention God's awesomeness)....

i think drive-thrus have been the scariest, whether it be the pharmacy or mc d's, they can get pretty tricky (but i've done a good job of maneuvering those especially since driving with my left foot is tricky enough)....

on the home front, as long as i have my trusty little rolling stool, i can do just about anything (except mop the floors [slippery floors are a hazard; i've fallen about seven times in the past two and a half years and broke and bruised a few things along the way] or cook [i still can't feel heat/cold on about eighty percent of my body, which makes that pretty hazardous too]).... i just plop down on the stool in front of the washer/dryer in the garage to get laundry done (i've got a system going).... then it's a dance between my walker and the rolling stool around the house to get things done (i use my handy little swiffer vac/duster)....

in the kitchen, i load the dishwasher, clean out the fridge, fix the pantry (all while sitting on my rolling stool).... mind you, i have to take short breaks every now and then to rest my left arm, but i get things done, my way....

i still long for the days where i could just get up and go and walk and jump and run and skip and dance, but i have hope that maybe one day, i'll get there.... God is GREAT!!!!

so, that was just a little glimpse inside my daily goings on, as they say in books.... tune in next year for more updates....

i wish everyone a very blessed and happy new year! much love to all! :)

m & m's: miracles & mayhem....

i know it's been four long months since my last blog update, but so much has happened since then....

where to begin? the beginning, i guess....

it's been a time of miracles & mountains climbed....

it's been a time of mayhem & pouring rains....

this is why the world needs constant prayer; for both m & m's....

i'll start with the mayhem:

*my bladder stone removal procedure (while recovering from a broken ankle)

*double mastectomy of my dear friend with breast cancer

*my uncle fell off a ladder & fractured his sternum (among other bumps & bruises)

*my shower chair collapsed from under me (that would make my fifth fall since my avm)

*my grandfather fell in the bathroom & has been recently diagnosed with kidney failure

*my brother-in-law's grandfather passed away

*my cousin's boyfriend's dad has been put on a transplant list for a new liver

*a family member had a stroke, a bad fall & a heart attack

*i was diagnosed with chondritis (which made me feel like i was having a heart attack)

(these have been the major things, although many other little things have happened in between)....

now for the miracles:

*my bladder stone removal procedure was a success & my ankle, though still weak, has healed

*my hubby & i celebrated ten wonderful years together (many happy memories from our dating days)

*my breast cancer survivor dear friend is a blessing & a true fighter

*my cousin gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy

*a fellow avm survivor celebrated one year of living since her brain bleed (congrats katherine!)

*my uncle has made a wonderful recovery from his ladder fall

*three very special children of God have recieved the body of Christ (my little sister, my sister's nephew & the daughter of my dear friend; congrats on their communion!)

*my brother-in-law is confirmed in his faith in Christ (his confirmation as an adult was a blessing to witness)

*i'm slowly healing from my shower chair fall (unfortunately, my spine is in constant pain & discomfort, but there are good days)

*my grandfther is doing better, but dialysis is most likely in his future (i take comfort in knowing that this will help him, as hard as it will be)

*my amazing parents celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary

*my sister & my brother-in-law are now joined in holy matrimony under the eyes of God

*my nephew/godson graduated from pre-school :)

*i had my first gardening adventure since my avm

*we celebrated our first new home with our wonderful family & friends

*my friend gave birth to a gorgeous, healthy, bouncing baby boy

*i've begun to pick up therapy cones with my right hand in occupational therapy (with the aide of finger bands that help to cup my hand) & physical therapy is moving along (i even tried jumping on the trampoline the other day, in between the parallel bars)

*my two year avm anniversary came & went like any other day (that's how excited i was about this next miracle)

*my first beach trip since my avm & the first time i walked into a pool (all with help, of course)

(as you can see, the miracles out weigh the mayhem & i didn't even include birthdays, even my own & other anniversaries, which are all blessings)....

it's been a busy four months & now i have shared with you the up's & down's of my rollercoaster life (oh, & i can't forget the major loops in between)....

where i'm uncertain & lacking, He fills the empty spaces with hope (& miracles)....

where there is mayhem, He brings peace....

"Never be afraid to trust an unkown future to a known God." -Corrie Ten Boom

(i hope you enjoy some of the glimpses of the miracles, until the next series of them)....

God bless....

power of prayer....

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can & the wisdom to know the difference"....

i believe in the power of prayer....

without a doubt, when so many voices are lifted in prayer, miracles happen....

my bladder procedure is scheduled for tomorrow at 10:30 a.m.... i must admit that i'm a bit anxious & nervous, but i know that many special people are praying for everything to be well & so it shall be.... thank you all for your kind words of encouragement, they help me tremendously & keep pushing me through the tough times....

we have a home now, our first new home & we couldn't be more grateful & thankful for all our many blessings....

yesterday was a great day.... it was my sister's bridal shower & everything was beautiful.... she was very happy & that made me happy.... it was also great to catch up with family & friends (i loved the fact that i got to see & hold my little nieces & nephews)....

as i take a deep, calming breath, i know that all will be okay....

i will be okay....

skippin' stones....

well, the title encompasses alot of wats been happenin' in my life lately.... 1st off, i skipped the "2 post a month" deal (sorry 'bout that my dear bloggers.... i tried & thought that promisin' @least 2 updates a month seemed reasonable, but i failed).... turns out life can get even crazier just wen u think it's calmin' down (wen it rains, it pores & pores, seemin' endless).... i fell.... down.... down 2 the ground while tryin' 2 walk w/o my walker & right leg brace & got a spiral fracture on my left fibula (it's still healin', which means 2 months of skipped therapy sessions), 1 step forward & 2 steps back, it seems.... my hubby & i have been in the process of buyin' our 1st home (btw, it has 2 storeys, that pic above is part of the new house, empty, not yet home & me sittin' in my wheelchair w/ my broken leg).... it became such an exhaustin' ordeal (God willin', we close on it 2morrow).... i feel bittersweet emotions 'cuz i pictured this particular experience differently (all i get 2 do is watch from the sidelines, not fun @ all).... i'm skippin' the stuff that i should b a part of (movin', paintin, decoratin', etc.).... i recently found out that i have a stone in my bladder (it's been formin' 4 several months & it's huge).... unfortunately, 'cuz of my condition (& abnormal bladder) i'm a poster child 4 this kinda thing.... if the doc can't go in & break up the stone w/ a laser 2 flush it out, then i have 2 get a c-section 2 remove the stone.... i'm scared 'bout the surgery, but like everything else that has happened in my life, i believe "if He brings u 2 it, then He'll bring u thru it".... oh, & did i mention that my sis' is gettin' married in may (i have the pleasure of the bein' her maid of honor, which is gr8, but i feel like i can't b wat a maid of honor should b & that makes me sad).... wat a mess, but there's nothin' else 2 do, but keep prayin' & stay positive (no matter wat life keeps throwin' @ me).... i just have 2 keep countin' my blessings (like my lil' miracle nephews & niece that were just born, i miss bein' able 2 b a "get up & go" auntie).... i feel like all these precious moments r bein' skipped, but i know that my family & friends r there 4 me & that helps me feel better.... my life is the big, bottomless lake, i am the stone & sometimes i get a good skippin' momentum & sometimes i don't.... who knows how far i'll go....

new yr., new me....

hey everybody!

hope your new yr. has been great so far.... i wish u all many blessings.... as u can c by the pic i've posted, i'm walkin' w/o a walker & w/o a brace on my right leg (yay, me!).... this has been 1 of the most excitin' new developments during my recovery (naturally, i'm very proud of myself).... i've been doin' so much more in therapy & have become more independent @ home & let me tell u, it feels great! alleluia! it's still a wobbly world & i still need help 4 certain things, but over all, it's been pretty awesome.... i meant 2 post more updates durin' the holidays, but they got pretty crazy as can b expected, so from now on, i will try 2 post atleast 2 new updates a month.... thanx again 4 all your prayers.... they r definitely workin'! i thank God everyday 4 all my wonderful family & friends....

lots of luv,

me

p.s. my therapist told me 2 get a prescription 4 a drivin' test just 2 test where i'm @ (yikes!).... i think i'll wait a lil' while 4 that adventure, lol....

walkin' is a balancin' act....

well, i've done it.... i've officially joined the human race as a "walking" member! it's been a long & arduous journey (& it ain't over just yet), but i feel so blessed 2 have come this far.... seein' the joy on my family's faces as i took my first steps for them (w/o my walker), brought me so much happiness.... i am filled w/ renewed hope that 1 day, i will reach my goal.... i sit on the exercise ball in pt 2 practice my balance (it's not as easy as it looks), but i'm gettin' better @ it.... keep the prayers comin'! in ot, i've been tryin' new things w/ my right hand w/ the help of the e-stim machine.... i was able 2 hold an empty styrofoam cup & bring it 2 my mouth (this is a big deal, 'cuz my right hand has been the slowest 2 return).... next week, the therapist said that i was goin' 2 try it again, but w/ water inside the cup (i asked her if i could wear a bib.... lol!) i just know that i'm gonna spill water everywhere.... oh well, i gotta start somewhere.... plz pray that my walkin' improves as well as my right hand....

many blessings....

treadmill triumph!

i did it! i guess that i was scared 4 nothin'.... i knew that God's protective hand was goin' 2 guide me through it.... i was a lil' nervous @ 1st, but once i got started, it was smooth sailing (@ a snail pace), but nevertheless.... i can't wait 2 try it again & mayb go faster this time?.... my therapist was very proud & my parents showed up as a surprise (i was so excited)! my dad has witnessed 2 1st already: when i 1st walked w/ the walker & the treadmill.... my mom learned how 2 massage my scapula (it's been hurtin' quite a bit).... i was so happy they were there & of corse my awesome sis'! we'll c wat's in store 4 next time.... 'til then my friends....

therapy break-through

2day i walked during pt.... hand in hand w/ my 'sis & the therapist.... it almost felt normal (except when i wobbled from my lack of steady balance), but i'm almost there.... almost.... next week, the treadmill (i'm so nervous).... my right hand seems 2 b gettin' better.... i guess that the e-stim is doing it's job.... i played on the wii in ot.... the therapist has 2 wrap my right hand around the controller w/ an ace bandage (i call it "being mummified", lol!).... i'm pretty good @ boxing, but it's exhausting! bowling isn't 2 bad, i just have 2 press the buttons w/ my left hand fingers.... i hope 2 b able 2 draw & paint again 1 day.... 4 now, it's coloring books, chubby crayons & handwriting paper.... practice, practice, practice....
w/ luv,
tati

goodness of grace

hi all!

i just set up my blog profile & i wanted 2 welcome any avm survivors & friends 2 post comments & let me know how life is goin' 4 them.... i also encourage all prayer warriors 2 help me in the fight 4 awarness & knowledge.... by the goodness of God's grace, we r still able 2 share precious & blessed moments w/ our luved 1's.... i wish that 2day finds u happy & well....

sending u hope & faith,

tati